How to Get Your Server to Hate You in 13 Simple Steps!

So, you’ve gotten yourself a hot date, you’re out on the town and you both start to feel a severe case of the nom-noms. After deciding to stop by your favorite fancy restaurant, you may find yourself feeling a little anxious that your date may not be impressed by your arrogance, egotism and overall self-importance (i.e. awesomeness). Luckily for you, I have compiled an easy step-by-step list that includes all the things you need to do to act like a total boss. Yes, your server will absolutely hate you, but you’ll prove to everyone you’re an assertive individual who knows what they like and expects things a certain way. With all that out of the way, let’s get right to it.

STEP 1: Make sure to get to the restaurant about twenty minutes before it closes.

Before getting to the restaurant, make sure you check the closing time beforehand so that you can get there exactly twenty minutes before they close. This will allow for you to find a table right before the restaurant starts shutting down and make you seem annoying as possible right from the get-go.

STEP 2: Make yourself at home!

You know where you want to sit and it isn’t like the restaurant has a method of seating customers that makes it helpful to the servers. Someone will see you eventually so let them figure it out. Walk right past the hostess to the dirtiest table you can find. Demand from the first worker you see to clean it off. Hover over them to make sure they make it as clean as possible.

STEP 3: Grab the server’s attention personally.

Make your presence known as soon as possible. Snapping your fingers, whistling or a simple, “Hey, you!” will suffice. If they’re talking to another table, let them know they should be helping you instead.

STEP 4: Order your drink.

Now that the server is aware of your miserable existence, it’s time to order a stiff drink. However, the house recipe will just not do. Make sure to let your server know that you’d like your beverage a little “extra strong” since they’re probably the one who will be making it and not the bartender. Obviously.

STEP 5: Get some carbs in your system!

Is there anything better in life than the combination of alcohol and bread? It’s scientifically proven that there isn’t. So why should you be expected to order an entree before you’re given a free appetizer? Demand it early and demand it often.

STEP 6: Quiz your server.

When the time comes for it, it’s best to test your server’s knowledge personally by asking them what comes with each plate instead of reading it off the menu for yourself. Best not to know what you want so you can inquire about as many dishes as possible. After you’ve exhausted your options, go with the simplest plate possible, like a burger or something. Make sure you ask for it to be gluten free, too.

STEP 7: Ask where your food is!

You ordered your burger well done! What’s taking so long? Make sure to ask your server this as often as possible. Raising both of your hands cupped upward and mouthing, “What the hell?” is a great way to show them your frustration and impatience.

STEP 8: Send your food back.

You ordered your burger well done, but it’s bone dry and lacks any sort of juices. You want it pink throughout and delicious, so send it back. Also, your gluten free bread is disgusting, so maybe cheat on your diet for this occasion. Wait, well done means pink and juicy, right?

STEP 9: Request your sides.

Now that you’ve gotten your food made the right way, it’s time to get your fixings. Don’t know what to get? Get creative! Go through all the possibilities of different condiments (ranch, ketchup, mustard), garnishes (crushed red peppers, chives, bacon bits) and toppings (butter, sour cream), etc. It’s important to ask for more than you need and to ask for each item one at a time. No reason consolidating your requests. That would make it way too easy for your server.

STEP 10: Confront your server about your disgusting food.

You should really bring up the fact that your food was not up to par with your standards or your expectations, but only do so after eating the entire meal (just in case it gets better 3/4 of the way through). It’s best to ask for a manager afterwards to see if you can’t score a gift card or free dessert.

STEP 11: Pay your bill.

You only have so much money on hand. In fact, you have a gift card, some cash, about seven dollars on your debit card and your date’s credit card. Make sure to refrain from discussing your payment plan with your date until the server approaches the table with your bill to see if they have any insight about how you should go about paying for your meal.

STEP 12: Time to relax.

You have a new drink , a few scraps of food and all the time in the world to put your feet up, hang out and catch up. Sure, the chairs are all stacked up on the tables and you’re the only two people there, but the building is still open and the lights are on, so they probably won’t mind.

STEP 13: Leave a tip your server will never forget.

Writing something like, “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” on a paper napkin is a good one. After all, the service was horrible, your waiter acted like they hated you the entire time and your food came out incorrectly, so why leave even more money on the table? Your words of wisdom will be tip enough.

…and there it is! Easy isn’t it? I hope this helps! You are now ready to go out into the world of food service and be absolutely despised not only by your server, but the entire restaurant as a whole. Now go out there and be hated!